Loss of control

Just when we thought we had everything under control, Elijah's diabetes is totally out of control. He fluctuates between lows in the 50s to unknown highs that just register as HI on the meter which goes up to 500. Being a person that has serious issues with control this has been extremely difficult for me. I can see no trends, no similarities...he is high and low in the same day, on different days at similar times...it all seems so totally random. I wish I could just get a handle on it so I could help him. Everytime I look at his face I am concerned...every time he is acting out of sorts I wonder if he is high or if he is low...constantly trying to remember the last thing he ate, the last time he had insulin and when he will be eating next...it sometimes seems so overwhelming. He has started crying again with shots in the evening and that just makes the heartbreak worse.

God is teaching me a great lesson about control...I know as hard as I am fighting to control this disease for my baby, He is fighting for control over me and my life.

below is a picture of the insulin pump Elijah will probably be getting sometime in the near future. It is a small machine that delivers the insulin through a implantable needle instead of using shots. The needle has to be reinserted in a new location every 3 days and is then attached to the pump through the tubing. So instead of a shot 6-8 times a day he will only have to have the new cannula implanted every 3 days...the pain is worse but is only once so he will get stuck much less. Pumping will give us a lot more flexibility and will hopefully give us better control of his sugars...it requires even closer monitoring but I think it is worth the sacrifice. We will probably be trying it out this summer.



he would have to wear his site on the butt so he couldn't pull it out as easily.

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Frustration

Well, if you are a control freak like me, the ultimate test of patience is definitely dealing with a disease like diabetes. Just when you think you have it figured out...you don't.

I think the one thing that makes diabetes different from many other chronic diseases is that there is no way to predict what might happen, there is no constant except that something is going to change. I have yet to be able to predict a blood sugar level, correctly dose carbs or figure out what night time number trends will do. I record meticulously, measure meticulously, plot and ponder numbers and still nothing I do seems to be right.

All day long I spend either checking blood sugars, giving insulin or wondering what his little body is up to. He is 400 one check, 68 2 hours later, even though I measured, counted and dosed accurately (at least so I think). Ugggg...it makes me want to scream.

I think all parents of sick kids struggle with feelings of guilt...diabetes is no different. The strict schedules and constant obsessing over numbers is stressful and added with the lack of sleep most nights can wear a person down. Top all of this off with the constant reminder that, even though it will get easier because it becomes more of a habit, it will never end...it may get worse and it will definitely change over time into something new with puberty, illnesses, growth spurts, defiance and stress. There may be associated autoimmune conditions that pop up which is common in type 1 diabetics, there will be complications as the years progress and all of these things will be dealt with in the due time. As a parent, you know there is no reason to stress over what the future may hold...but that is alot easier said than done. There is plenty of stress over the present to deal with.

If there is one known fact that can be gleaned from this new experience it is that diabetes is never boring, and even though Elijah breaks my heart several times a day with his pitiful sobbing, my heart is lifted when I think about what a blessing he is to so many people.

Thank you Lord for my brave litte son and for all of my beautiful, special children.

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